MR. HAND-a beginner's guide to sheath cleaning:
1. Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends/girlfriends,
elderly neighbors, or brownie troops driving by in sight of the proceedings.
Though of course they're going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once
you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2. Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor
(plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves)
3. Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and it's inhabitant wet. Uh, that
is do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take
offense if an icy cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions :o)
4. Now introduce the horse to Mr. Hand. What I find safest is to stand facing the
horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so
that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising a leg, I can feel it right away
and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The
horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or
to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr. Hand's antics,
but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to
his side, he'll get over it. Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply
make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the
program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back 'til you are entering
The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your
destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.
5. If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies
of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their
removal. Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part
itself, you'll have noticed is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner
chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
6. As you and Mr. Hand wind your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what
feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's
reaction, invite yourself in. You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's
hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave. No really,
work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your
only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So,
gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water
and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7. When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well,
and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and
removing, the bean. The bean is a pale kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small
pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but the majority do, even if
they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large in diameter, and
indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethra
opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more
than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4 of an inch in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently
and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from
BOTH Mr. Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's
accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out,
you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and
index finger around the end of the part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my
surprise, it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to
have suffered any permanent damage as a result :-> I have never in my life seen another bean
that enormous though.
8. Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology
for the liberties you've taken. A hose will be much easier here to use than just a sponge and a
bucket. Make sure to direct the hose into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part
of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up
there personally.
9. Ta-da, you are done! Say, *good horsie* and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny
faces at the way your hands smell. Hmmm ... well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
10. The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma
from your hands (fingernails, arms, elbows, and wherever else it has gotten) is Excalibur. Even
then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while.
So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview
or first date. And of course, there is that one FINAL step...
11. Figure out how to explain to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or
whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the
entire process.
